


Someday, maybe... Again

by Sana_hydeist



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff and Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I really don't wanna spoil this fic, M/M, Rated for Levi's Language (Shingeki no Kyojin), alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-04-16 00:14:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sana_hydeist/pseuds/Sana_hydeist
Summary: Everything was going perfectly. Two years into a perfect relationship. One month away from officially moving in together. Everything was fine 'till it wasn't...And Levi really really had been taken by surprise.





	1. Yet another morning

I wake up smothered by "his" arms wrapped around me. Of course, this is nothing new, waking up, no, sleeping like this has been thoroughly ingrained in me. I can't even maintain a straight face while pretending I don't like it now. It still surprises me that I would accept and return the gesture of affection even in this searing heat. His limbs tangled with mine and his feathery-light hair on my forehead, I feel his usual morning laziness seeping into my bones. And morning routines be damned I reach out my hand to grab his arm. My hand ends up just cruising the air and I feel so stupid for having temporarily forgotten his right arm was no longer attached to his shoulder. Fuck. I hope he's really asleep and has not noticed. I know he pretends not to care but I can see that he sometimes feels diminished by the loss of his arm ... Not like I give a shit about that kind of thing. We're way past that point. And judging him and thinking him weaker has been the downfall of many. I snicker at the contrast between what he's capable of doing and the aloof attitude and puppy-eyed look he often adopts at home. 

Anyways, nuzzle the crook of his neck, engulfing myself in his warmth...I don't even need to see him to make sure he's by my side, I just feel him ... Smell him. I kiss his silky skin and slide down so I can rest my face on his chest. It is awfully sappy and cheesy but fuck it, it feels so incredibly good to just rest my forehead against his tender,soft ...chest? Wait ... His skin sure feels like velvet but if there's one word that encompasses his chest it would be muscled... Hard.

I open my eyes in a frenzy... Look for him and only see my hands clamping on the soft white sheets... My eyes water up, my stomach sinks and my throat tightens as it all sinks in...   
What I thought was his warmth was nothing but the sheets burning up from the morning sun-rays... What I thought was his hair was in fact my pillow ... What I mistook for his chest was ... "His" pillow ....

Fuck! So it wasn't just a bad dream, he really had left. Took everything and just left. My hands instantly release the sheets, and I leave the bedroom. Even after I promised myself to sleep on the couch for a few days I still keep fucking coming back here.!M is just too much!!! This keeps happening every morning and it's grating on my nerves that I still fucking can't bring myself to even fucking imagining him beside me.

At this point, i need to do something, anything. And maybe he'll come back... No! Not fucking come back... Explain... Yea explain. I had thought we would stick together... That we were set. No. He made fucking sure I'd think that.

Fucking bastard.


	2. Erwin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV

I'm not even in the mood to make myself a decent breakfast so I just drink some milk - cold ... Maybe that will help loosen up my nerves- and just head off to the kitchen .

Erwin has always been the one to make breakfast, and lunch ... Well, Lunch and dinner. He is that kinda of overwhelmingly - adorably- caring man after all: always making sure I ate well- I always wonder how he manages to cook with only one fucking arm... His fucking LEFT arm... But it's Erwin we're talking about so...

He'd always stay longer in bed, Yes he's lazy as fuck when he's just woken up and he likes to just stay in bed and cuddling and asking -begging- for more minutes I think he just does that o tempt me and or rile me up. I also wouldn't rule out the possibility of him doing that just to accommodate my sometimes - more like fucking mostly- urgent need to rush into the bathroom as soon as I open my eyes and get on with my morning shower. He'd always waste some time in bed either hugging my pillow and scream-complaining about me neglecting him and not giving him his morning kiss, just playing with sheets like the kid he is inside and that people fail to see him as or acting his fucking age checking his emails, and calendar before he'd bring his ass to join me in bathroom. Letting him join from the beginning has proven to be counter-productive so we've both learned our lesson. The process took longer for him as he kept insisting -throw in dem puppy eyes- on trying again every time, but we got there eventually. He complains about it every once in a while and insist on kissing, not caring about morning breath- Fucking adorable cheese ball- ignoring my endless complains about how fucking disgusting it is. But his pouting and whining is just NOT something i can resist.

He isn't very organized, contrary to his appearance Erwin is a pretty messy person. Once he gets into something, his monstrous focus wouldn't let him see anything besides his end goal. In the end, he always makes sure to clean up his messes though, not wanting to trigger one of my cleaning-rampages. Leaving our house perpetually in and endless circle of piled of files on the living room table - at least he keeps his stuff there- and apology flowers the following days. Again fucking adorable.

He is just the kinda man that would always sit on my right side when watching TV so he'd be able to drape his arm around me running his fingers through my hair and the nape of my neck, or take my feet onto his lap massaging them all night long, just because he was that kinda cheesy sap that likes the idea of tending to my every ( imaginary) need, I mean we all know I would demand a damn massage if I fucking needed one. But he never waited for me to voice it, never actually even let me feel that need. He would take the remote, not even asking what I wanted to watch and just choose something he and I both knew I'd like, then leaves it on my lap, as I a reminder that just as have I set the pace in the beginning of our relationship, just as he tends to my every whim and need everyday, he still wants to please me at every opportunity he gets. And that selfless, attitude of his just made me further drown in the comfort of a domesticity I never thought I would engage in. 

From the beginning It was all just a long fluid slide. One moment we were checking each other out, to the utter joy of our friends, then he came on to me, flirting in that ridiculously cheesy way of his ... And of course I didn't say no ... I couldn't say no to those eyes, so earnest, to the deadly combination of cheeky confident smile, the nervous looks he kept throwing my way and the cheesy jokes. I was drowning before I could even take a breath. 

Took us a long time to get used to each other though... No. took ME some time to get used to having him around, even with way he made my insides squeak in delight at the sight of him. Relationships weren't exactly my forte. I like having my space. And I used to think no one should be allowed in... "USED to" that is.

He was the one who initiated this whole thing. The one who kept reassuring me. And promising that I needn't change. That I was 'perfect' the way I am. And I took him in, allowed him to creep into places of my mind no one's ever ventured into. Personal space became a weird concept around him, and I became as attuned to his quirks and habits as he was to mine. and you'd think it easy to fall, to just let yourself be swept by the gravity, the motion. But fuck that. The fall is not the hard part. The hard part is propelling yourself over the cliff. It's to find the courage to put your heart on the line and risk having it thrown back to your face. And I'm no fucking coward.I take risks for a fucking living for God's sake. But after living on the streets and seeing all sort sof things, you'd have it ingrained in you that one is to be trusted. But that big oaf would smile at me in such a way that even I - as permanently-scowling as I am - would smile back at him... And then he'd smile even wider, making my insides twinge. He'd be looking at me one moment and then just drift off. It would piss me off! I would usually be talking to him expecting an answer. And just realizing I lost him at some point is fucking cute, no scratch that it's frustrating. But then he'd look so smitten, that it would make the rude lack of focus just too endearing for my heart. To think that kept happening more and more often these last few days that I used to seek reassurances of his love in his eyes at those times...

And then he just says he wants to stop this. Out of no fucking where... Saying I wasn't expecting that is the understatement of the fucking century...

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for posting this chapter a million times. At first I posted it as the first chapter while it was the second. And then I realized I had posted an earlier version. :/


	3. Take it or leave it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV

  
I can't keep my eyes from chasing him. I hate myself for still caring... But whenever my eyes catch a flash of blond hair, a glimpse of blue... My head automatically snaps in it's direction and my heart clenches. It clenches even more when, sometimes I catch the ice blue orbs looking back.

I shake my head, trying to drive the thought away. Erwin couldn't possibly look my way, with this sort of intense glance, this ...longing. Not now. Not like this... 

But the more I look at him from afar, the more I notice him looking my way.  
Looking, staring... His stare is like an itch begging me to scratch it. And each time I find myself fighting the need to look, to check, to know whether or not he's looking whenever I feel the constant stare following me, probing me. Maybe he wants to be sure I'm okay. Still, I need to look.

And whenever I give in, the bastard doesn't even flinch. He holds my gaze and just keeps looking straight in my eyes. He doesn't say anything, doesn't nod in salutation, doesn't smile, doesn't smirk. Nothing He just keeps fixing me with his most intense stare. totally serious eyes, burning with a determination I simply can't understand, eyebrows furrowed and all.

I don't understand and it's driving me insane. He doesn't act like i'm the lover he just broke up with. He's acting like I'm the embodiment of a temptation he can't succumb to. But it makes no sense. Well fuck, whenever it happens I get pissed off and then break the eye contact cursing him to hell and back.

When we cross paths though- which happens quite frequently since we live in the same building- he acts like the total gentleman he's always been. Casual chit-chats, casual looks, casual exchanges of nothings. There are no insistent stares whatsoever, he acts like we're just neighbors exchanging pleasantries. Our eyes just meet by coincidence before he nods and fill the awkward silence with talk about the weather. He does not stare. Not the loving way he did. And not the intense way he does now from afar. I swear the man is fucking bipolar! Of course being a gentleman is second nature to him. So our break-up wouldn't make him act all rude around me. But sometimes... I don't know what happens but he reverts back to being "my Erwin": Acting all sweet and caring, even giving me loving glances, chuckling while looking at me tenderly and letting out that throaty laugh of his... some others, he acts all indifferent-it's like he takes it upon himself to make me feel rebuked and unwanted. And then, some other times- and those hurt the most- he starts putting distance between us: both physically- he doesn't even let our arms brush- and emotionally. He looks at me with empty eyes, doesn't respond, or just nods when I get angry and all frustrated. Cos Fuck if there's anything I hate, it would be people acting all high and mighty - which would get them a knee in the crotch- or them ignoring me- If I'm talking to you then I have a point to make. So when I do,I demand some attention and a fucking REACTION!!!

Today, Erwin is acting like his 3rd self. Which has me mumbling curses at him as I wait for the "ping" signalling the elevator reaching our floor. Yes we live on the same floor.

I already said "hi" earlier, and only got a small nod from him. I'm not trying any further though. Not today...

 

I may still fucking want him, but he doesn't. End of story... He told me very clearly. Of course him not explaining and us still living on the same floor wouldn't normally be called a clean break, but fuck if I care.

"Ping"

Thank fuck!

I get out of the elevator as soon as I can and head towards my loft. What stops me though is hearing Erwin's grunt of pain... Fuck ! If he couldn't carry his groceries why not just fucking ask for help?  
Huh! Of course! His fucking pride wouldn't let him. I can feel my eyes hitting my fucking brain with how far back they roll. I press the hold button, get inside the elevator and take half the bags. I wouldn't mind taking all of them but knowing Erwin, he would. 

I head towards his loft, lean on the wall and wait for him to put his bags on the floor, get his keys from his pocket, open the door and take the bags inside, I know my way in there, so I just go in after him and walk my way to the kitchen, put them on the table and turn back. On my way outside, I catch Erwin looking at me. No. Through me. Still Erwin 3 huh ? Whatever.

As I walk pass him I can't help saying:

-"Could have at least fucking said thank you, Bastard!"

I immediately get yanked back, my back slams against the wall and my lips get tackled by... His? The fucker's kissing me! As much as I would want to melt right into his kiss, I grab his hair and pull him away from me. He has no fucking right to treat me this way! 

-" What the fuck?"

-"Sorry, that won't happen again."  
I say as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. He seems to snap out of whatever had him forcing his kiss on me as his eyes turn into icy waters again.

-"I don't care if it's gonna happen again! Fuck! I want it to happen again!!! But that's not the issue here!"

-"Levi, I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again. I didn't even mean to..."

He's now looking away from me... Ok, something's going on... Erwin never, and I mean NEVER, looks away from anything. He's not planning on explaining anything either...

The silence drags on...

-"Look, you know me. I won't beg you to take me back or some ridiculous shit. So this is how things are gonna be ... It's either you take it or leave it! Take us back or leave for good! Don't linger around Giving me those looks one day, ignoring me the following one, and acting like I'm a pest later on. I'm not your toy, and I'm not looking for for a hook-up call from and I'm not waiting for fucking forever for you to make up your mind. Just go away or stay for good! I'm sick and tired of your indecisiveness! Make up your fucking mind already!!!"

-"Levi... "

-"Don't! Just... You have 3 days... If you don't come up with your answer by then... I won't care anymore."  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already posted this fanfic on wattpad and ff.net a long time ago, as in 2015 or 16 idk xD  
> I'm back now and I'm planning to finish it as soon as possible  
> I still have 2 chapters to edit and 3 chapters to write from, kinda, scratch. So I'm gonna start posting a chapter a week as I write/edit. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the regular updates going till the end. So let's say there will be a chapter every thursday from now on, unless something happens or I finish it earlier and I pick up the pace a little ;)  
> Stay tuned for more, meanwhile come chat haha <3


	4. Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV

I don't know why I said what I said. Erwin already made it crystal clear that he didn't want this relationship to continue. And I'm pretty sure that has in no way changed. What I know, is that I don't want him to keep giving me half-assed excuses, half-assed stares, and half-assed break-up lines. I just need a clean break. I'm not saying I want him to move away or that I am looking for a new apartment if -when- he says no. Fuck that. But I need to know for sure that whatever he chooses there will be no going back... whatever regrets there may be, we'll either be undeniably over, Or not. 

So on the 1st day, I do everything humanly possible to avoid him. I know he's going to say we're through, and hearing it in a day or three wouldn't and will not make any difference. Like I've said his decision has long since been made, and nothing in this world could make Erwin waver. But this time I'll be DEMANDING an explanation. If I want to ever be able to move on, and if he so much as cares about me still, he will answer me. I need these 3 days. More than he does, be it to come up with an explanation, or to bring himself to say it. I need them to anchor myself for anything he might say. It will certainly not be easy on me to finally know why I'm no good after all. What suddenly made him realize why this wouldn't work. But I will. Whatever he may think of that. End of story.

2nd day.

I'm aware of myself getting more and more anxious by the minute. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's taking his time taking his decision, because he is regretting breaking up in the first place, and thinking of ways to explain himself and ask for us to be together again. But then, I would come back to my senses, and realize that the only reason he still hasn't given me his answer is because I've actively been avoiding him. And that even if he indeed was thinking it through, he would be thinking of ways to say no without hurting me. And if, just if, he wants us to get back together, he's gonna have to deal with me shoving any excuses up his ass; As much as I love Erwin, and want him by my side, I don't think I could ever trust him again if he just did this on a whim. 

3rd day.

OK, so now anyone can tell just how fidgety I am. I don't wanna admit it's because I'm anxious about the outcome of this whole thing. I already know how it's gonna end and I've braced myself for the rejection coming my way, but a part of me, that I've been trying in vain to tuck in a desolate corner of my mind, still hopes for an impossible upturn. It's not anxiety, it's an itching to be done with it once and for all, to get it over with and move on that has me now in the hallway, facing my apartment, sitting by Erwin's door, in an I-like-to-think-a-nonchalant-way but that really is not, judging by how many times my hands have clenched and unclenched since I got here - that is only for me to know though. And when Erwin gets there, I already know by the look in his eyes what he's gonna say. Who am I trying to fool? Seeing rejection in his eyes fucking stings... No matter how much I've mentally prepared myself for this, no matter how many times I've said I wouldn't go back to him... I'd still give everything to have my Erwin back.

I get up and out of his way as he opens the door and motions for me to follow him inside. We both head for the living room. I don't sit and he doesn't tell me to. I know this is gonna be quick. I know the man inside-out and I believe he does me too, no need to drag things out with uselessly long introductions and reminiscence of our relationship and shit. He says:

-"So."

-"So ?"

-"How long have you been waiting?"

-"Erwin, you and I both know you don't give a fuck how long I've waited."

I hiss at him, not at all liking the way he chose to start.

-"Levi, You know I do care, despite everything. I hope you know that."

Huh, don't get him wrong. I know well-enough that the part I'm to focus on, is in no way the "I still give a shit" one -of course he does. Breaking up wouldn't make Erwin a cold man- but rather the "despite everything" part. This might not be the right time to think this, but one of the things I liked- like- the most about this man was how he expressed himself in a way that would, on one hand ensure he got his message across, and on the other one, lessen the damage said message could produce. No need to say I like that less, now that I'm on the receiving end of it.

Looking Erwin in the eyes, I can tell he knows I got the message.

-"I know that. Although I'd highly appreciate you showing that by keeping your hands off me. And eyes...and if possible, mouth too."

He chuckles. It's not funny, I know. I never intended it to be. And Erwin can spot a warning when he hears one.

-"And..."

-"Levi." He interrupts.

He's trying to get away from the "why" talk, but I'm not letting him.

-"No, Erwin. I might not need to say this, cause I trust you to know, but I'm saying it anyway. I'm not trying to fix anything at this point. You know how I work, you don't like it, your business not mine. I'm not trying to hold you back or some shit. But, I WANT my explanation, and I'm fucking getting it."

Erwin winces, I know it's not gonna be pretty, it never is when he's stressing over how to say it. But I know he's neither gonna try to talk me out of it, nor lie to me. So I don't care how long I have to wait for my answer. I'm staying here till I get it. 

I don't think it's gonna be my pride, he made sure I knew he loved that, or my language and general attitude, he's made it pretty clear that he found that "endearing". Maybe he doesn't see himself with someone so obsessed with cleaning... Maybe it took him a while of us living together for him to realize how much that bothers him... Maybe he wanted to say that for a while, but had to say it now before the lease for my apartment would be up and we would be officially moved in together. That would hurt, and I honestly can't blame him for that. If something rubs you the wrong way, it does and you can't help it. But that's hard to believe Erwin is not a man that can be irked by such things. 

Erwin looks up, and I instantly spot the contours of guilt shadowing his sea pupils.

-"I promised someone else"

-"What ?"

OK, he may have taken his time to come up with a lie. But PLEASE, at least make it believable. Erwin does NOT cheat! But Erwin isn't stupid. and Erwin doesn't lie...

-"There's this woman that I met long ago ..."

-"Wait... How Long ago? You mean long ago? As in before we fucking met?"

Fuck! He's not lying, I can see it in his stance. Shoulders slouching, hand fisted at his side, all his body screaming tense, and his eyes still holding the same guilt, much more poignant now. I don't need to see him nod to know my assumptions are right. But having it confirmed makes it worse. 

-"You mean to say you've cheated on HER with ME? That you started this thinking you were gonna two-time her with me then just fucking toss me aside like a fucking toy? And! Not fucking telling me a word?"

I can see his face muscles spasming in stalled attempts to answer, but he remains silent, and it just drives me into a rage I've rarely felt, if not ever. 

-"Erwin don't you dare fucking stay silent! You fucking shit answer me !"

-"Yes."

-"Yes what ?"

At this point, I don't even need to wonder how masochistic I am. I can already feel my chest getting crushed for the fucking thousandth time. But i can't quell the need to have my thoughts confirmed in his voice. 

\- "Yes, I did go out with you thinking I would have to break up with you for her."

I can't say anything. I don't even want to say anything. I just let it sink in. To think that everything I know of this man is a lie. He had me fooled, ridiculed, humiliated... and... I can't believe I felt in love with a made-up lie.

-"Levi ..."

-"Shut up I don't even wanna hear your voice right now."

-"Levi ... I'm sorry"

-"Fuck off ... Save it for your..."

I don't find it in me to finish, I see him try to say something but I turn on my heels and head for the door, I'm getting out of here. And never setting foot here again...

But, I'm already punching him and grabbing a fistful of his shirt before I even realize I went back inside.

-"Why did you even bother?"

Why did you bother with me? Why put in so much effort to build a relationship that you would destroy to get back to that... Why bother getting me out of my shell, breaking my walls one by one, serenading me into this life with you if you were gonna toss me aside from the very beginning... 

He looks at me all confused, I don't even bother explaining, shove him against the wall and take off for good, getting back to my apartment to let loose the tears blurring my vision once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned, next time will be the pov of our favorite blond ;)


	5. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erwin POV

I never ever wanted or thought I would have to tell Levi. I thought I could somehow skip that part of the conversation, dodge the questions if they ever came up. But that was honestly stupid of me. It's impossible to refuse him anything already, it's only logic that having him so adamant on getting his answer, seeing him insecure and wondering what part of him could have made me pull back just made it impossible for me to hold it in. 

Yes, I would want nothing more than to have Levi look at me the same way forever, to keep him chained to me, us, to avoid crushing what he considered the fundamentals of "his Erwin". But I cannot bear seeing him questioning himself. No... So I told him. Not everything, but he got the big picture... Rather he got a certain big picture. And now even catching me looking, longing for him, craving his touch or even kissing him again wouldn't get him insecure, anxious or doubtful. He'd still ... Hate me...

God! What have I done?

I should have told him the complete truth. Not just that small fragment, That hinted at something so close yet so far from the truth. God! He thinks I used him to cheat!

I would never cheat in general, let alone on Levi. 

And even if I had been dating someone else, I'd have called it off before starting anything with him.

But that's what Levi wanted... A clean break. Something to tear him away from me for good. Something that would give him peace of mind no matter how inconsistent my behavior could be. I couldn't take that away from him then, and I would do it again now with hardly any second thoughts, were we to have that conversation again.

Being apart, and able to still sneak glances his way was something I could cope with. It's nowhere near enough, but I could live with just that. Just those instances where Levi looked so smitten with me, where Levi loved me even though I walked away... I was a jerk to him, but he still looked at me with the same tenderness in his silver eyes. I hardly said anything to him, just hoped he'd always understand me, whenever I needed, craved to hear him talk, and when, and why, I'd have to ignore his attempts at simple conversation...

I could live with just that, and had the stupidity to think I could live with less. Less that at the time I never thought would involve a hateful, vengeful Levi. I didn't know what to say. How to explain this... So I just blurted out whatever seemed the closest. God! How stupid can I get? Making Levi hate me just to give him closure... But he needs it. And I am not going back with Levi. Not till I finish this.

Not ever it seems... Seeing how he now hates me.

*********

It's been 4 hours since Levi stormed out of my house. I'm on my couch, the couch closest to the wall Levi shoved me against. I've been thinking of just going after him and explaining the whole situation. Just so I could erase those images of Levi's eyes burning with fury and hate... Images of Levi walking away. But again, I can't.

My cheek is swollen. It stings. But I don't even care enough to do something about it. I just want Levi back. Thank God my feet are too heavy to take me there. I can't do this to him now. I need to leave him alone and just focus on my problem.

There's a woman I've loved like I've never loved anyone. Levi was a really close call. But I was so focused on my memories of her I never really gave him a chance. Don't get me wrong I love Levi. I need him. I long for him. I thought I could live with him and just get over her that way. But I've been looking for her for so long that I couldn't make myself stop. Even for Levi, however much I wanted to. I swear. But, she would just pop out in my head at random times. And I would drift off thinking about her again.

The more time I spent with Levi, the more guilt I felt at abandoning her. At cowardly forgetting about her - She may not even remember me. I don't know. But I can't help it... That's why I broke it off. It wasn't fair to neither of them. Especially Levi. I was too overwhelmed with the memories to think rationally. To love Levi properly. Still am.

I too need a clean break. With who I don't know. But now that mine and Levi's relationship ended, somewhat catastrophically, and that there's no chance of us interacting anytime soon. I have to focus on the root problem. And as much as I know I need to start working on it, I just can't get Levi out of my head. Yes. It was my fault for breaking up. But I wanted Levi to wait for me. To love me still.

Even catching myself thinking that disgusts me. God I'm so ... Greedy.

But I love Him...

I need to solve this quick.

The bottom line is that I need to start solving an equation where the number of variables by far exceed my brain's quota. And I'm really well-versed in solving problems. Usually the way I proceed is simple. For me to know how to address an issue, to anticipate the way things are going to unfold and calculate collateral damage, I need to detain certain types of information; including but not restricted to: The identities of people involved, the links tying them, important events that lead to our issue, and how they dealt with said issue. Of these I detain none. In fact the main issue in here is that the tiny part I remember really does not help me draw any conclusion. Which leads to a much more complicated and problematic situation.

5 years ago, I was in an accident. A terrorist attack to be exact. That's where I lost my right arm, this part Levi knows. I had been unconscious most of it. So my psychiatrist gave me the OK to go soon after. And I was allowed to go on with my life with just a slight inconvenience. No. No PTSD, Since I didn't remember the attack. That was my problem. It seemed that at some point my head had been severely hit. Thus making me lose some of my memories; I didn't even remember how I lost my arm. The doctors said that the cut had been the farthest from clean. They said that judging by the state of my tendons and nerves, my arm had been pulled relentlessly until it finally tore off. They said losing my memory was the best thing that could have happened, that remembering the barbaric scene would have left huge scars on my... Psyche.

At first, and by that I mean the first few days I could only recall general things like my name, my parent's names and few other administrative parts of my identity. But, then I started remembering more. Some of the memories just flooded my brain and I'd have no problem describing places I had been to and people I got to know before the accident. Those things I remembered to the smallest details, like I never even lost them in the first place.

Some others though were harder to regain. They kept appearing in the form of hazy flashbacks, that had me panting and glistening with sweat. My heart would be racing and I would have unbearable nausea, breathing trouble for a while before I could finally settle down. I still have no clue what some of those flashes were about and I'm still trying to figure them out.

Of course the fact that I had to get used to living with only one arm, had to go through all those physical-therapy sessions, and of course all the phases of depression, self-hate and inferiority complex only made the transition that much harder... It was never supposed to be easy.

There were people to help me though. Some not exactly in the way that I wanted them to; My parents flew here as soon as they were told about my injury; I was told I had moved out to another city around 3 years prior to the accident. As soon as they got there though, I remembered- rather re-learned- why I left, and exactly why I didn't work hard to keep our ties. Soon I was stuck between my father calling me an idiot and an ignorant for getting involved in all of that, saying I should have foreseen it, and avoided it, and my mother saying nothing to counter his accusations and begging me to go back home so she could smother me with her over-due and dare-I-say fake affection, and keep a close eye on me to never let such a thing happen again. Of course she'd never admit to the second part, she'd say I'd be better off home, that I would be safe and sound beside her, and never again risk anything happening to me. I couldn't find it in me to say anything back to them, but my doctor saw how much their presence hindered my recovery and sent them away.

I hadn't been alone for long though. And one day, one of those I had been having flashes of, came into my room. Mike. Childhood friend and current best friend -apparently- Had been looking for me since my sudden disappearance. He contacted the cops. Who after some investigation, told him I had been injured -the rest was classified- and sent to the hospital. A few days after my awakening, he was already barging his way into my life again. I instantly recognized him, confided in him, and started acting like his long-time friend as soon as he walked in the room.

Talking to Mike let me become aware of many things way before I remembered them. It has also given me the certainty that my flashes were not something I imagined, something my mind created to escape the horror of what happened, my psychiatrist had warned of that when I first consulted him about them, but things I had forgotten.

Then I started having flashes of her. A sweet sweet little cute bundle of warmth I liked holding like nothing. From all the flashes of me comforting her and whispering sweet nothings in her ear, I could make out how anxious she could get. I still have no idea what she looks like. But I believe I'll recognize her the moment I see her. That's what happened with Mike. With Hange too... I never saw their faces in my flashes. But I recognized them instantly as soon as I saw them.

I don't know what exactly made us part ways. As she wasn't there after the accident. She left no calls. Not a sign that could help me find her. And as much as I ended up remembering from my life before the accident over the span of the years I kept having flashbacks, the fact was that the what I ended up actually remembering amounts to nothing, as the memories were sparse and far in between. Some would only cover a few seconds, and others a few minutes at most. The more substantial things would come to me as a sudden awareness that such things had happened at some point in my life and that's it. So really, I am aware of a lot of things from my past, so it doesn't hinder in any way in my life, but I could not say without doubt that I remember everything. there were still periods of my life that are still to this day completely blank, besides the few things Mike would be able to remember. I asked him about her, but he said I did mention people I went out with, just vaguely with no details and I never liked someone enough to introduce them to him. I didn't really understand how that could have happened as I'm not one to hide my loved one. Perhaps I only came to love her after she left... Classic.  
I was so confused by then though, that I even asked my mother about her. Even knowing I could have never told her anything personal. For one, we weren't that close. Two, I'd be too wary of my father seeing my partner's company as non-fitting of a family such as ours and trying to get between us.

Of course they knew nothing.

I kept looking for her. Looking for vague things such as her soothing presence, the warm feeling that washed over me whenever the flashes came, the mere feeling of her touch, of her in my arms, her head tucked under my chin... No. Believe me that hardly helped... I tried looking for women of that height at first, but as expected that did not help much in restricting the possibilities...

I never found her, never even remembered who she was or where I had come to know her. As a matter of fact, 2 years after the accident, the flashes abruptly stopped coming, and I had no more hints to go by. I kept looking and trying to keep my eyes open everywhere I went. But 3 years had already passed with nothing changing but the will to find her weakening, and boredom taking over. 

And then I met Levi.

He was so ... Levi I could not resist. No matter how much I wanted to find her. I kept chasing after Levi. And then I had him. And for the 2nd time I forgot about her. I was so happy. I felt so complete with Levi that I forgot what had kept me focused the years before him.

2 wonderful years later. Guilt was eating at me again. Levi would catch me agonizing over the whole story and I'd pretend I was merely dozing off. Sometimes I would want to tell him. Chicken out of it. And end up sending him a silent warning, he had never seen any of it... And to be honest I was a fool to think he would. To be honest, I was so in love, still am, with Levi, I could not even try to distance myself from him. So in a last attempt to rid myself of the unwanted feeling eating at me, I asked him to move in with me. His lease wouldn't be up for 4 more months, and as close as living just in front of his house and spending most of our days either at his or mine made us, I was too desperate to immerse myself in Levi, and forget all about her to wait. And so we did.

But things did not go as planned. Our proximity did not quell the ill-feeling that was haunting me. It only made it that much more intense. The remorse I felt at forgetting her surprisingly grew duller the longer I stayed with Levi, she too had apparently forgotten about me so I deemed it ok for me to do the same, Or maybe I was just fooling myself into thinking that, I honestly don't know. But I was overwhelmed by the force of the guilt I felt at something else... A promise... An oath. A vow that should not be broken, than should not be forgotten,that I should have kept by all means. I had no idea what I had promised. But the thing is, I did promise something and I wore myself out trying to ignore it and just revel in Levi... But, at some point, it all grew unbearable.

And I had to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as promised, Erwin pov.   
> Hope that helped ease the curiosity a bit xD cos u're in for a long - not really- ride   
> Feel free to comment what you thought of this chapter <3


	6. Bolo-tie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV

If you asked me yesterday what I thought I'd be feeling by now, I'd tell you serenity. Serenity at finally knowing and putting it all behind.

Of course, now that I know, I wish I hadn't asked...

I had thought hitting Erwin would make me calmer, but now I feel like I need to pin someone and just go all out on them. Hit them, kick them, till I'd no longer be able to feel my muscles, and they would no longer be able to feel their own bones, somehow maybe that will let all this anger and frustration seep out of me. 

The thing is I don't even wish for that person to be Erwin. 

I no longer want to see him. I'm content just driving the thought of that man out of my head, out of my life. 

But I have all these boiling feeling sin me, that I really need to find an outlet for. Anything.

Anyone...

I don't do this often, actually I never do this, but I need a drink. No. Drinks. As in I need to get drunk. 

*********

This bar is my haven. MY place, my refuge. Everyone here knows me. So they make sure not to look my way, talk to me, or God forbid bump into me when I appear to be in a bad mood. So now that it's obvious I shouldn't be approached by anyone no matter what, I can drink however much I want. Nobody cares, nobody questions me, nobody asks unwanted questions. I can just revel in the wonderful mix that is good music and alcohol relaxing my nerves...

The usual dark-haired giant comes my way, takes the empty glass and swipes the counter with a damp tissue - he knows I like it to be as clean and as shiny as possible. I don't look at him so he clears his throat and asks me, still as seemingly scared as the first time I came here.

"- A..Anything else? "

I look up. It's not enough so I have to tilt my head back to finally see his face, fucking giant.

-"Do you need to be a fucking titan to work here?"

He flinches. The kid is already terrified, and by that I mean sweating buckets, and I would really like him to keep the drinks coming - and the air clean- so no matter how unreasonably irritated I am feeling, I add making sure to get the bile out of my voice:

-"Another beer would be good."

He nods and walks away. I sit there waiting for my beer and my eyes roam around...

Fuck! Shit! No fucking way!

I turn around completely when my eyes catch the sight of a blond head. Fuck! The instant I say I've had enough of his face. Why am I even looking? My hands clench, and my mind races I quickly look away and I try to come up with ways to pretend I didn't notice him. I can see a blur of black and white and the tension leaves my body as I recognize who I just saw. I feel silly. Of course fucking Reiner is here. He works here for fuck's sake! Oh! He's coming here...

He sees me. Nods and circumvents the U-shaped counter to get to his boyfriend. I see him silently approaching his spaced out lover from behind and finally wrapping his arms around the other man's waist, who lets out a yelp and just about manages to catch the glass he was filling -which I suppose is mine- before it crashes against the small table Behind the bar. Reiner snickers and starts kissing the nape of his boyfriend's neck, Bertholt titls his head denuding more of his tan skin, giving access full access to his boyfriend that does not hesitate even one second to rain kisses in a trail going from the base of his neck to just behind his ears.   
Moans start leaving his mouth and I see Reiner flicking his tongue before his boyfriend turns around to completely suck the muscle down his throat. I stop looking as their kiss turns more and more heated... Judging by the sounds they're making.

And I find myself spacing out... Remembering all those times I sat on his lap here. Teasing him by circling my hips as much as I could without people noticing... Appreciating his state of arousal by the size of the bulge I felt against my bottom. Squirming around until his breathing became so heaved people would start casting curious looks our way. 

I'm startled out of my haze by my beer being placed right in front of me. I look up to see Reiner staring at me worriedly above Bert's shoulder. He doesn't look away, asking me, silently, if I want to talk about it. I shake my head. And Bert,who has been waiting for me to open up too, shoos his boyfriend away and they go back to their not so private depictions of affection. This would feel awkward if I didn't know them from before they got together. I swear seeing them making cutesy eyes at each other feels even more like intruding on their privacy than having them shoving their tongues down each other's throats right under my nose. It didn't take long before they got their shit together though, and everyone here just simply got used to it. Well, they weren't the only ones that didn't think anything of showing affection in public so it wasn't that big of a deal. Of course there was them, Erwin and, although I complained all the time about it, me. I have to admit I never stopped teasing him in public. Mike and his wife who wouldn't have minded taking their clothes off here and getting it on, audience or not had always contributed into making this place a frolicking-friendly bar. There was also this couple of kids we didn't know but kept making fun of... Horse-face and freckles. They were by far the shiest though.They would make out and then blush fierce red whenever they caught someone looking... Like they didn't fucking know they were in a public place. It looked awfully cute though and even with all the teasing we all doted on them. 

Thinking of all that made me all nostalgic and I spaced out thinking about Erwin and I here again. I turned around and looked at our usual booth. We'd always be sitting there cuddled up together, sharing our food and drinks because the goof he was never could decide what to get, and I'd be reluctant to eat food that hasn't been prepared right in front of my very eyes anyway. Of course he'd make a big deal of it by feeding me or forcing me to eat. Which would get us, no me, he didn't really care, eternally embarrassed by Mike's teasing and Hange's perpetual complaining about being the only single one in our group. I can still see the scene unfold in front of me... And no matter how much wrath I feel boiling inside me since I've last seen him, I can't help smiling at how simple and carefree we used to be.

I freeze when I actually hear us, no them talking. Mike's voice rings in the now calm bar. I focus on the group before me and my eyes zoom in on the tall blond man sitting morosely in his usual place looking just as dazed as I suppose I did a few seconds ago...

Fuck!

I violently turn around. I swallow my drink in one gulp and scream at Bertholt.

-"Hey! There, giant! Quit sucking face and come get me another drink"

He nods and comes my way only to be stopped by his smirking lover and pulled down into another fervent kiss...

I look down to see my hands trembling. My beer gets here, and I order a scotch for the next round. All through the night, I put all my focus on my drinks. I'm not fucking going to run away just because he's here. I'll only get out when I get my fill.

I can feel his stare on my back and looking at Bert's apprehensive but still caring look I'm finally too disgusted, and far too conscious of him to bare with it for even another second.

I tell the couple to put it all on my tab and rush out the door...

Or at least I thought I did. But I end up with my head buzzing after violently bumping into a jaw... Aaargh. I look up for the millionth time this night to stare into big steel green curious eyes,my ears ringing from the crash.

 

***********

Ugh... My head hurts... No wonder with all the booze I had last night...

I push off my pillow and my hand immediately rushes to my night-table. I always have a couple Advils and a glass of water prepared for when I wake up with a hangover... Erwin always made sure of that.

My thoughts stop at the name though. And my sudden good mood, despite having a major headache, just morphs into my currently permanent depressive state of mind.

My eyes roam around as I pull myself up and I realize this really isn't my house... I never would fucking leave laundry on the floor. And you never would see this amount of dust on my headboard, night-table and even sniff it in the air... Ugh... I walk out the filthy room to find myself in an equally filthy and untidy living room. As I look around, I see a head of brown hair on the couch... Guess a man brought me here last night.I was drunk so I can't say I remember what happened. I sniff myself and don't catch the smell of puke ... At least I didn't throw my guts up. My clothes smell of sleep though and I can't wait to take them off.

I write down a simple "thanks" on a paper I found lying around and go home.

You might think that's cruel but the fucker should be grateful I didn't kick him awake and force him to clean up first thing in the morning.

******

All those thoughts about cleaning and the tension from last night get me even more frustrated and as soon as I get home I throw my clothes in the hamper . I didn't bother changing into clean ones and just wear the first thing I find. A white button up that I don't bother buttoning... Then I start on cleaning my already immaculate house again. It may be useless, and I might have done it twice just yesterday, but it calms me down. And right now I just wanna give my mind a fucking break

My eyes fall on a green, no blue, familiar gem-like something hanging from the window knob and I get closer slowly. My heart races as I recognize the emerald bolo-tie. Of course the bastard would leave his bolo-tie here! I can't fucking take a rest without a some kind of reminder sending me on a trip down memory lane. I hate that I find myself inhaling deeply as I imagine his smell wafting around me. I might say I hate the man and abhor the sight of him but honestly I'm just so tired of pretending. My chest squeezes in pain and my hand goes up to try to soothe the ache. I look down, and away from the bolo-tie, and notice that the dress shirt I'm wearing is too big on me, reaches too far down my thighs to be mine. I could take it off and toss it in the hamper so that the smell could be washed off forever. But I know that I will just end up hanging it in the closet, where the smell can get inconspicuously mixed with mine, where I can always find it to envelop myself in the calming sent in moments of weakness and loneliness. I space out swearing and cussing the man for turning me into this emotional mess, only to snap back to the room when I feel my fingers pressed on my lips then unconsciously on the green gem. I can feel my anger mellowing down and the tension leaving my body as I let the melancholy I've been trying to keep at bay take over my whole being. Taking the gem in my hands I kneel down under the window, lean back on the wall and spend the remainder of my morning contemplating my reflection in the familiar blue-green orb, lamenting over lost love with the lump in my throat growing heavier and heavier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate Erwin ><  
> I'm sorry this was more of a filler-chapter than anything but please bare with me ^^


	7. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV

Brown hair, turquoise eyes, childish behavior, unshakable will... Eren.

The brat has great fucking skills in stalking!

I just have to see him every-fucking-where I go! Mall, check. Work, check. Yes he just started as a part-timer. Bar, check. Of fucking course, he's of drinking age. And when I don't go to either of those, I fucking meet him on the streets!!! I'm sick of him wagging his tail and going all Levi-san here, Levi-san there. He just came back from Japan and he picked up their speech manners.

Damn him for not getting their subtlety too.

Check out his friend Mikasa! She's perfect! Tidy, doesn't talk much, almost invisible if not for her awesome charisma and intimidating presence whenever a certain someone is mentioned. She fucking tried to tear me to pieces when we first met. Understandable though considering what I did to her... Childhood friend, half-lover or whatever he is to her. The idiot doesn't seem to notice how infatuated she is with him. And judging by her exasperated look whenever somebody seems to realize her feelings - which happens pretty damn often- it seems this has gone on for years now. 

I ended up venting my anger and frustration on the wrong person. I don't know why the brat got so attached to me instead of hating me for it. But I really fucked him up that night. What's worse is that if there's anything I'm regretting right now, it's completely forgetting about it later on. I need that memory to keep the urge to do it all over again under control. 

I didn't see my handwork when I woke up in his apartment since I really didn't take the time to look and see in whose place I woke up. I just wanted to go home at the time... But I couldn't miss it when he came on to me at work. At first I was really alarmed at how many bruises our new part-timer had, I didn't ask what happened, since I wouldn't have liked being asked if I had been in his position. I just made sure I eavesdropped when the others asked. He's a kid and he could have been getting bullied or something, I had to check. He said he got beaten up and then fell in love. The kinky fuck. That's what I thought, snorting and heading out the room. That's when I felt a murderous stare directed at my back, and heard stomping my way. I turned around to find a dark haired girl drawing her arm back for a punch and sprinting my way. He stopped her and looked at me with hopeful eyes. 

I only then suspected he could have been the man in whose house I woke up in just the previous day. He said yes when I voiced the question and beamed at me, showing all his teeth. Well all but one. 

Seeing Mikasa's provocative stance, and his enthralled looks, I asked what the fuck happened and he said:

"I bumped into you when going into 'the wall', I said sorry, you ignored me, and pushed me aside looking completely furious and the at same time desperate for something. I asked what was wrong. You said to fuck off. And I asked again. You suddenly grabbed the hem of my shirt, kicked my feet off the ground and went at me like I was you worst enemy. You even busted one of my teeth. You then started going off about how I lied, and made you go all strange with my blue eyes and blond hair..."

I stopped him at that and ushered him to skip that part. No need to tell me what I already knew.

"After trashing about all of that, you fell on the ground beside me. And started saying how angry you were and how sorry I should be. And how you still couldn't hate me... And you wanted to go home. Your home with me... I knew you were talking to someone else through me, but I couldn't help admiring that part of you."

I then learned that Mikasa only found out the next morning. Which was why she came at me with a vengeance. I went back to his apartment, and in apology - but the intention went right through his head- helped him clean his apartment. Of course he had to hep I was not gonna do it all on my own. It took us longer than I thought it would. But we managed to get rid of all that fucking filth the brat lives in and never seemed to notice. 

And I am now stuck with an always-ranting brat, his invisible friend 1, and even more invisible friend 2. Oh! I didn't mention him. The kid's so introverted and shy even I want to bring him out of his shell. So I try to rile him up whenever the occasion arises, and get him used to people and life. He seems even more scared of me now though. 

Anyways, we're going to 'the wall' today. Let's hope we don't meet the other bastard.

They drink for a bit... Eren makes friends with Bert and Reiner. Then spends hours fighting with Jean. Makes a scene out of himself, and as usual is completely oblivious to Mikasa's side-glances. But I'm glad I came with them. This is such a nice distraction from the usual depressing thoughts that are always somehow there when I find myself alone.

I turn around to check out who's in the bar, no, to make sure a certain someone isn't here, only to find Hange in my face. I grunt and push her back.

-"That's meaaaaaan!" She whines.

-"Well I don't wanna get your fucking spit in my face."

-"I've been calling you for a while. I was worried but you seem better than we thought you'd be. We're all worried about you. He is too you know."

I feel myself growing livid and look around again in an obsessive attempt to make sure he's not here to see my reaction. I clear my throat and say.

-" He gave me the fucking 'I still give a fuck' line."

-"Yes. But I'm sure he used other words to convey that." She snorts.

I don't answer and she ends up asking the almost too obvious question:

-"How are you?"

-"I don't wanna talk about it."

-"Are you gonna go back to being the secluded scaredy-cat who wouldn't talk to anyone?" She says in a provoking manner. I hear myself 'tssk'ing and look up to glare at her only to see a worried look plastered on her face." You can't just shun everybody."

-"I'm not fucking..."

-"Don't deny it when it's this obvious. You won't answer my calls, texts and e-mails. Even Mike tried to reach you, but you just went and ignored him too. You're our friend too. You know we wouldn't pick sides. We don't want you to be on your own now."

-" I..."

I mentally stutter on what to say:

-"I'm not alone."

I end up saying, I catch a glint of hurt in her eyes before she covers it.

I don't want her to get me wrong.

-"He... Needs you more right now."

I toss at her, then rise and walk towards the door. She catches my hand and looks surprised. I try to smile at her, I'm sure it looks as painful as I it feels, and try to elaborate, talking around the clenching of my throat the best I can. 

-"2 years. I couldn't stop caring that fast. As much as I'd want to."

I walk away. Again failing to keep up the pretense. 

***********

I can hear Eren's footsteps behind me. I speed up so I can reach my house before he catches up with me. Can't I fucking wallow in self-pity in peace? Doesn't this brat ever get when he's not wanted around? Even if I distance myself from him, he'll just fucking turn up at my door later on! The stomping of my feet gets louder as I get even more irritated for again, the wrong reason. The kid sure grates on my nerves,but he's not the reason for this anger, and he should not be an outlet for it either. Fuck it, I don't even wanna beat up the personal that started all of this... 

I stand in front of the elevator waiting for it to reach the main floor. Fuck, I hate waiting. Should have taken the stairs. But it's stupid to take them now when the elevator's just 1 floor away.

After the slight 'ping' and the sliding of the doors, comes a gentle jumpy "Hey" 

Oh come on! 

-"Fuck off."

I sneer as I walk in the elevator and press the close button, but Eren manages to hold the door for a few seconds - that really felt longer than that - probably to check out his 'competition' then comes in finally letting the cabin take off.

-"Is that him? Blond, blue eyes, besides you got all tense when you saw him."

Can he be anymore annoying?

-"Shut the fuck up! Don't ask me about him. Don't fucking mention him. Don't let me know when you see him. Don't fucking talk to him and if you do don't fucking bring me up." 

-"But I know him from..." 

-"I don't give a flying fuck what your relationship with him is."

I do, but I really, really don't wanna admit anything, I don't wanna hear a word from him a bout it, about anything. I don't give a flying fuck what he does as long as he just fucks off for a day.We already made it to the floor and I'm honestly too tired of this whole thing. Everyone is just getting on my nerves today. And fucking standing the brat any longer is a foreign concept to me right now. I walk into my apartment, and ignoring his silent plea to be let inside, I slam the door without saying a word. I go wash my face and scrub my hands with soap. When the annoying ringing of the home-line resounds through the house, bringing my headache to whole new level, I consider ignoring it for a while. But the insistence of the caller brings me back to the living room, where I just pick up and hold the phone to my ear, not willing to exchange any words of courtesy for the moment.

-" Hey there Levi". The sweet sweet voice I missed hearing calls out to me and I feel a sudden need to confide in someone overwhelm my senses.

-"Levi. You there?"

I clear my throat.

-"Yeah. What's up?"

She's been away for 3 years now. She's heard of Erwin, but she doesn't know we practically lived together, doesn't how much of his mess I'd put up with on a daily basis, how close I came to moving out of this house, into his for good. 

-"I can finally come visit Levi. I'm so happy I get to see you again, I've missed you so much. I know you sometimes come visit, but it's been so long...." 

I didn't lie to Hange earlier when I said I wasn't alone. I still had her. I'd always have her. 

He wouldn't have anyone if I took away his friends. 

Like I wouldn't have anyone if someone took her from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ^^  
> I made it in time to post this chapter ouf. Every week I forget that I am to post a chapter up till the reminder rings. And then I remember that I have to wrap this fic up by the time I'm done posting the first 10 chapters if I wanna keep the regular updates going.. Ugh. xD  
> I apologize for the sorta filler chapters. Next we will have Erwin again ;)  
> stay tuned for more ;)


	8. Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erwin POV

I've never in my life wavered so much. I've never so much as re-considered a decision of mine, let alone thought about it for years, to come out with little-to-no answer. And yet here I am once again re-thinking everything that I've done these past weeks. 

Hange told me she was gonna corner him today. He's kinda been pushing her and Mike away. They don't like it. Neither do I to be honest. I wouldn't want him to be on his own. It's enough that I bailed on him, he needs someone by his side. I know he tends to bottle things up till he reaches his breaking point, and being alone will only speed up the process. But in the end, we all know it's all about what Levi decides. I wanted to watch from the side-lines while she talked to him, but she told me to stay home and wait for her call instead. She said Levi wouldn't be comfortable talking with me around, and really I know that. It should not take Hange telling me for to think of that but I keep feeling these pangs of regret assaulting my chest at every mention of his name, and I can't watch from the side-lines. I know I gave it all up, but I wanna be able to help him through this. It tears me apart to see how he's just closing up on himself again. but I guess I can no longer do anything about it. I guess I will have to watch as someone else helps him pick up the pieces... I completely deserve this, these chest pains, headaches and mind-numbing worry. Even more so since I don't completely regret my decision.

I question it but I still don't fully regret it.

I'm pacing in my living room, trying to sort through my jumbled-up thoughts, to somewhat compartmentalize them. 

1\. I know I'm getting closer to finding her. A silhouette keeps getting clearer and clearer. It's like when you're walking in thick fog and you get closer and closer to someone's back. It's not perfectly discernible, but it keeps getting clearer the closer you get to them. A petite woman, frail waist, narrow hips, with hip-long hair, I don't really know why but I can't see colors in this fog, so I can't really say what color her hair is... I also still can't see the face, but I feel like I'll be able to see it any day now. I know I'll be able to see it any day now.

Is she getting closer? Geographically speaking I mean. Is she coming back? Where did she go? Will she recognize me fist? Or will I be able to tell her from the crowd? I don't know... Will I have to explain why I didn't look for her? Has she been waiting for me to find her first? Was that what I promised? Am I willing to find out? Yes Of course. Is it worth everything I did for it? I don't know... For one thing, there's Levi. And I still can't convince myself that what I did to him wasn't 100% wrong. Will it be worth seeing Levi in this much disarray and sorrow? To have lied to him and cast him aside in such a way? To have him hate me this way? I don't know... 

Is this guilt ever gonna ease up? Am I ever gonna feel better about causing Levi pain? I doubt it. Will I be able to live with this? I couldn't ignore the guilt of a forgotten promise and ended up breaking up with him for the sake of just that promise. Will I ever be able to live with Levi unhappy on my conscience? This isn't just a promise, someone I have forgotten and that never really bothered looking for me. This is a person that I actually love, someone that I know, someone that I've lied to, and abandoned for no other reason but to appease my conscience. I can't think clearly now that I've caused him grief. Just the thought that I'll ever be able to breathe without feeling this burn is ridiculous. I guess at some point I will have to face him, and explain all of this to him, once I know what's going on. So really, I can only go forth from now. As much as it pains me to do this, I need to banish the thought of going back, grovelling to Levi from my mind. 

For now, Hange needs to find a way to help him out of this. 

 

But Is talking to her gonna be enough to convince him to stop pulling away from them? After all, I was the one to introduce them. He might think I'm behind that. He doesn't trust me right now, and thinking that I might be with them might be why he's pulling back. No I don't think so. He's probably not in the mood to be with them right now. He probably doesn't wanna look weak in front of them, doesn't wanna see pity in their eyes. But if, when, they go back to being friends again, will I still have to completely erase myself from his life? I guess it's too selfish of me to wish to be part of the same circle again, as acquaintances or dare-I-say friends. Aside from the improbability of such a scenario, and the revolting greed it emanates from, if that were to happen would I ever truly be only friends slash acquaintances with Levi? Would I be able to see him regularly without feeling the tug at my heart pushing me to hold him in my arms and treasure him? How could that ever be fair to him? To anyone really? Levi will never ask me to pull away from my friends, so will they also be caught in the middle of our break-up? If I pull away from the group, will that help his healing? Mike will never allow it, and I don't think Levi will either. The point of all of this was that the past situation was fair to no one, but is this any better? 

A vibration in my left puts a stop to that train of thoughts and I try to chase the tightness in my throat as I read the the message I just got from Hange:" assault on the wall !!!"

My spirits lift a bit as I wonder once again why she likes using that phrase to mean that there's something wrong, and that we should gather at "the wall", our favorite bar. She's such a child, I wonder how she can work in such a renowned research lab. But well, I guess they can see past her childishness and turn a blind eye to her strange-sometimes-ridiculous behavior, if it means having someone as exceptionally smart as her on their team. 

I change clothes and head out. The elevator doors ding as I recognize the familiar figure of a scowling Levi. I can't help the "Hey" that escapes my lips even though I know I'm about to get told off.  
-"Fuck off". There it comes. I knew it was coming. Like I knew he would hit me when I told him the reason for the break-up. But does seeing a punch make you feel it less? No. It doesn't make it easier to swallow around the tightness in my throat now either. 

Levi walks past me without so much as a glance my way, not even a glare, or a look of disdain... Nothing. My eyes follow him until he gets in the elevator, and only then do I notice he's not alone.I hear the young man following him inside the elevator mutter a faint" Is that him? ..." before the doors close and I feel my chest clenching even more at the thought that Levi felt the need to confide in someone. That he, of all people, could trust a total stranger, tell him what's on his mind, and to later on let him into his home... Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's a pungent bitterness at the thought. A fire that burns through my veins and leaves me stiff and tense. I refuse to acknowledge it, as I've given up the right to feel such things the instant the thought of breaking up formed in my head.

There's this feeling though that helps put aside these thoughts. A feeling that tells me I've seen the man somewhere before. And I already know I'll be talking to him someday soon. I try to quell the anxiousness that surged through me at the thought of interrogating the man that got closer to Levi in my absence. I berate myself once again for still having such ideas at this point. That is not, and should not be, the reason I'm doing this. He seemed familiar in the way that Mike and Hange were before I could remember them and my feeling and the way he looked at me, should be the only reason I want to confront him about anything. He might assist me in figuring out what's going on. 

I soon reach our usual café. The bells churn as I push the glass doors and step inside the warm cosy place. I spot Hange right away and start heading her way. I feel Bert and Reiner looking me up and down accusingly. They've always been quite attached to Levi. My chest soars with pride at how my... How Levi, unconsciously, and with zero-to-no efforts on his part has, although he keeps denying it, gained people's sympathy and friendship. He believes they're all acting out of fear, but I see respect and care. They'd stick out for him any time, and seeing the way the lovers are glaring at me right now, I'd say they're looking out for any possible faux-pas on my part, any possible way of pay back for what I did to their friend. 

Levi will go livid when I tell him. The idea of people, younger people, being overprotective of him will... The thought, though halted, throws me back into the guilt-induced vicious circle I've been getting caught in each time I've thought about the raven-head, and it takes Hange calling out to me to bring me back to the present. 

-"You're here! Took you some time..."

-"Yea sorry, I've encountered some..." I trailed off looking for ways to get my point across, "issues that had me immersed in my thoughts on the way here"

-"Oh! So now's Levi's a problem? Or were you referring to the young man tailing him?"

Spot on like usual, but I have no right to admit it, and so I opt for something else less important. And she saw him too? 

-"More like Levi's numerous ways of making me feel like the jerk I am." I say and I feel so much more like a jerk now that I've implied that Levi is the one making me feel bad while it's really nothing but. I'm about to clarify that that was not what I meant, but judging by the look on her face I know she caught the bite of guilt in there. 

-"Erwin... You know he's going through rough times..."

 

-"You mean I pushed the rough times right onto him..." That was not the point of me saying that. We're not discussing whether Levi is doing anything wrong here, cos he's not. Of course he's not. I only said that to divert my thoughts from where they were heading, and it's a jerk move again. But now that it's done and that it's brought up, I can't ignore the pain I feel at being rebuked that way... "It's just... I've seen him deliver these to others, just not with this... This much... Anger. And never have I been on the receiving side"

-"Wait it out."

-"And then what?"

-"Then he'll be less... Spiteful."

I hear myself scoff at that. 

-"You and I both know he's not doing this out of spite."

-"Yeah, not completely"

-"Look I can't expect anything from him as long as I'm still hesitating. I did all of this to stop wavering all-together and just focus on one thing, but I can't get him out of my mind. And I was stupid to think I would be able to that so easily. I feel even more as a two-timer now than when I actually was closest to being one. And it's stupid to even consider that I could ever expect anything from him ever again."

She snickers and then goes all serious all of a sudden.

-"Then hurry up and solve this. Because contrary to what everyone thinks, Levi is one of the most caring and protective men I know. He'll do everything in his power to stand by those he holds dear and till now, you still belong in that category. You know Levi can be very patient with these people, but It just so happens that these circumstances won't let him show such patience with you."

She's right. I know she is. About Levi going all momma-bear on those he loves. Does that still apply to me? I'm not so sure...

-"How do you know that?"

-"My information. My sources."

I know for a fact that when Hange refuses to name her sources, it means that those are her most reliable ones. And if I still somehow hold part of Levi's affections, then all's different.

-"So what's wrong?"

-"I talked to Levi about how he's been pulling away from us, he denied at first and then said he wasn't on his own. I don't know if he meant it as a nice way to say fuck off, or if it's real. Besides, he's been hanging out with the 3 new kids more and more lately."

-"I honestly have no idea. You know hell would freeze over before we talked, and since I've come to know him, Levi has never been so open with new people. It intrigues me and I can't help my confusion at his new... Acquaintances. And by the way, I was thinking of talking to that kid with steel-grey eyes"

-"Eh? Why him? What made him catch your interest?"

She says that with a mischievous glint in her eyes and topped it off with a wink. I smile as I spot her attempt to lighten the atmosphere. 

-"God Hange! No i'm not interested in him! If I could be with anyone right now, you know who I'd undoubtedly be with over and over again."

I can't help adding the second half and of course she is not gonna let it pass.

-"Then why are you keeping yourself from doing just that?"

-"You know exactly why. I can't... Go back now."

Her eyes harden and I find myself fixed with a glare. 

-"Then why are you speaking with the kid? You jealous? Isn't that selfish of you to do that now?"

-"I... I'm not..." I stop myself from denying the reason behind the bitterness I still feel running through my veins...The reason that makes me so impatient and anxious to meet the kid and ask about why he's so familiar, inquire about his relationship with Levi... But, as I've been doing lately, I hold that thought and choose the safe route, "He seems familiar. I feel like he could be related to my past in one way or another."

-"Then go talk it out."

She encourages but I can see the look of disapproval in her eyes. She's never been fooled by my lies, and it doesn't seem like they're gonna start working on her now. 

************

I'm waiting in a restaurant right now. It's almost time for Eren to come. I've learned his name when I asked around about him. Reiner right out ignored me while Bert gave me the 'you're gonna fuck him now?' Look as he reluctantly nodded when I asked them to relay a note to him, a message that I wrote down on a piece of paper I took from the suggestions notebook lying around on the counter: 

"I'll be waiting at "wings" at 5, please be there.  
Erwin Smith. "

I'm not sure they did, given how protective they are of Levi. I will just have to try again if this fails. Just as I'm thinking of ways to approach him in the coming days without letting Levi's protectors intervene, I see the young man pushing the door, making the closest waiter turn around at the sounds of the bells chiming. Said waiter welcomes him in and leads him to our table when Eren gives him my name. I greet him and he nods before pulling the chair and taking the seat in front of me.

-"Hello."

-"Hey." he answers. "So what's up?"

I wince at the awkwardness but I have no idea how to start off this conversation.

I stay silent for a while before I chose to small-talk him into answering my curiosity as casually as possible.

-"So I've seen you hanging out with Levi."

-"Yeah, he beat me up and now I'm kissing ass."

I let a laughter seep through my teeth in answer to his joke. Strange, why is he with him all the time if Levi's beaten him before? And why is Levi letting him come so close to him after he's reached the beating stage?

-"Excuse me but I don't see how Levi would purposely beat you up and you'd still be willing to stay close to him?"

-"Oh! He didn't purposely beat me up. He was drunk and he kind of unleashed on me when I got too nosy. I know what it feels like to feel so much you need to unleash and I can't blame him for that. He looked lonely so I chose to stick to him against his will. Now all I can say is that he's barely standing me."

I don't think Levi would just stand him and let him hang around and stick to him if he didn't want him around. Maybe he's seeking company elsewhere now... Maybe it's because this kid's enthusiasm and honestly are strangely soothing. The reason I'm now content drinking in Levi's news from him instead of anxiously dreading their sudden closeness, may be the same one that has Levi keeping him around.

-"I believe something happened between you two that night. But you should know better. He was mumbling about a blue-eyed, asshole... No never mind."

I'm taken by surprise and can only really nod as something flickers in his eyes, protectiveness, respect... I don't want to delve more into it for fear of seeing something in there I'm neither allowed to inquire nor have any thoughts about it. So I'm grateful that he chose that instant to change the subject. 

-"I presume this is not why you wanted to meet?"

-"No actually...."

I still don't know how to bring it up. Usually I wouldn't be this hesitant but how do I breach the subject without revealing everything about my memory loss. And what if he really doesn't know anything and ends up asking more questions than I am willing to answer? What if this somehow gets to Levi? What if he thinks I'm just trying to intervene... Again, Eren thankfully cuts off the current of thoughts: 

-"I seem oddly familiar right?"

He catches me off guard, and I can feel the rush of adrenaline through my blood.

-"Yes, you do."

-"You know why?"

I'm just glad someone took charge of the conversation for once. I'm so confused I doubt I could lead it like I'm used to. I really don't like talking without some kind of info backing me up...

-"Actually, that's why I wanted to talk to you... You seemed familiar and I, for reasons that I'm currently not willing to expose, wanted to know exactly what kind of relationship we've had and inquire about some of our common acquaintances, if we had any."

-" Well... Yes we knew each other. But I'm sorry to say I'm not in the position to reveal where and when we met and interacted, as I believe you should re-discover that on your own. I understand why you wouldn't tell me and I don't mind. We weren't that close anyway, actually we weren't close at all. But let's just say, a lot of us were willing to put our lives on the line for you. Some of us actually did, and I still would if need be. 

-"A lot of you?"

-"You may not have not noticed, but I'm not the only one you've forgotten. But you seem to have forged new bonds with them and I honestly find you guys' current relationship saner, much healthier... It's all better this way... "

-"Saner? What do you mean?"

-"I can't really say."

-"I have the feeling I'm better off not knowing."

-"In a way yes. After all what we lived was horrendous. The memories would hunt you, the fright would come bite you each time you'd feel weak and not leave you for days after that. But not knowing will make you miss out on so much on the other hand. No matter the circumstances, none of us were ever alone. Not one moment were you facing the difficulties on your own. You wished to change things but, never for them to change on their own. You wanted to be the one to bring the change... And we all wanted to assist you in that. Each of us in their own ways."

-"So does meeting you only now mean we succeed? Or the opposite?"

-"Again I can't really say."

He smiles tiredly at me. And I look at the time to see that it was already 6. Our coffees had gone cold long ago. He followed my gaze and then rose up saying it was time for him to go. I couldn't let him pay for a drink he had not even touched, being the one to invite him, so I just pulled a few notes leaving a nice tip for a waiter that knew when to make himself unnoticeable.

My brain kept going through the conversation all the way back to my house, but I still could come out with nothing. Apparently, me, Eren, and some other people I know, and that probably have at some point come in contact with the young man were part of some group opposing something, fighting for a certain cause I presume. I guess it went for a good while since we were able to forge bonds. And then, I presume I was one of the higher-ups since Eren said I wanted to make a change and they were willing to lay down their lives for me... And then I'm the only one to have suffered a severe injury. But then why has no one tried to come to me about it? Why has no one looked familiar like Eren had? He said we were not close, so is this a coincidence or does is mean that I'm getting closer to remembering? But then again, why is everyone I know acting normally? Did they forget too? Is this part of a bigger scheme? Were we all subjected to some sort of hypnosis that made us all lose our memories regarding that period of our lives? Or is this just me over-reading it and just an unfortunate consequence of the accident? After all they could just be good at acting. But then again, was it really an accident? Or was I targeted and attacked to stop me from reaching my goals? Are the others protecting me? Is Eren protecting me by not telling me? Am I protecting Levi by staying away from him? At this point would it really be a good thing for me to remember? Do I even want to remember?

YES!

It's no longer just about her. It hasn't been for a while now. I just want to remember who I was, who I had by my side, and what really happened. 

The lift dings and I'm surprised to find myself already in our building. I'm heading out the elevator when I realize I'm walking towards Levi's door.

Why am I still coming here? I don't even have the courage to knock...But I just like hearing the sounds of him moving around inside, making sure he's alive and active. cleaning If he's stressed out, watching TV, and if it's something I know he would never watch then I'm sure he's passed out on the couch. I sound like a stalker this way, and look like one I know, But I have to have some of his news...

I snap out of my daze when I hear a door opening. It's coming from Levi's apartment! And I can't help the sweat that races down my back at the thought that he might have known of my nightly ritual. But then I hear female squealing and Levi's voice. I look up to see a short woman, even shorter than Levi, talking heatedly to him. He smiles at her and my heart sinks. And even if it's a tired smile, God, it's been so long since I've seen one of his smiles... I finally can get my head out of the images of Levi's smiles, smirks, and blushes that have assaulted my mind to find him breaking out of a hug she pulled him in, bringing one of her suitcases into his home. She turns around once he disappears inside, to bring in the smaller one. Her short strawberry hair flows in waves around her face. Her hazel eyes never fall on me, she just takes her second suitcase and gets inside, but the cogs in my mind are already rearranging themselves as 2 realizations certainties sink in. 

Petra...

...Petra Ral.

And... 

" I swear I'll find you! No matter what!"

I guess that was the promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update, this week has been really hectic. I usually have rehab on Thursday so it's always a little hard to work on anything on that day. This week with the chapter being kinda longer, proofreading would have taken a while and after a brutal rehab session and my with my legs hurting like crazy, I really couldn't do anything till the weekend. So I hope you enjoyed this one. Tt took me quite a while, as expected, to read through it and edit it, and I don't think I can do it again so I apologize for any mistakes in there.  
> Thank you for the support. Please let me know what you're thinking in the comments.  
> Next chapter will hopefully be up on Sunday.  
> Thanx again ^^

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Eruri somewhat long fic. And I know this ship is pretty much abandoned now, but I refuse to give up. And I decided to go back to this project that I was working on and abandoned for 2 years now. 
> 
> I live on comments and kudos ;)


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